A: Reflection while I wait to go to work
There are aspects of myself that I like, that I have transformed over time and am gradually evolving and growing. However, I would like to find time - but I struggle to find it in my mind, I even lack the desire and I don't know how to recover it - to rediscover those parts of myself that I have left behind, that I no longer feel close to. I would like to reconnect with those aspects of myself: the carefree side of me, the traveller me, the part of me that writes deep reflections on the world and on myself at night.
There are some parts of me that I think I have overcome thanks to therapy, and so they are simply no part of me anymore.
...But I no longer think about certain things I used to; those thoughts just don’t come back anymore, and I can’t even recall what they were! It’s as if my mind is completely absorbed by work, by professional commitments... which are good, of course, but I just can’t think about those other things anymore.
Also, I don't feel a connection with nature: I used to travel all the time. Being surrounded by nature and feeling an emphatic connection with it.
I don't know...
I like this new part of me and how I'm evolving, and I'm really happy and proud of myself. On the other hand, I feel a lack that I can't find back on my own, and maybe I should stimulate it in a suitable setting or practice... as it used to be to travel on an adventure or to live, for example, in Spain, which awakened certain aspects of me.
Living here, in a city where there is always everything, I naturally discover more and more new aspects of myself and I am growing in a certain sense because I am in this city now.
I like both lives, living here and the fact that I am developing myself in this environment full of everything and stimuli, but on the other hand I also miss what I was before, and where I was living before.
I feel a disconnection.
To which part of myself do I belong the most?
Here I am, standing in front of a river and a grove of trees. A year ago, my thoughts would have drifted far; I’d have long conversations with myself, feeling deeply connected to the world around me. But now, it feels as though my mind can no longer reach that place. I try—I close my eyes, breathe in the scents, listen intently—but no profound thoughts come to me.
Now I can’t even tell, for instance, if I’d want to sleep with you. I don’t know if it’s something I miss or not. I can’t even decide if I’d want to be with someone else or not.
I can't get beyond certain thoughts, I miss them.
I don't know...
well I have to go now
talk to you soon