A: Reflection while I wait to go to work
There are aspects of myself that I like, that I have transformed over time and am gradually evolving and growing. However, I would like to find time - but I struggle to find it in my mind, I even lack the desire and I don't know how to recover it - to rediscover those parts of myself that I have left behind, that I no longer feel close to. I would like to reconnect with those aspects of myself: the carefree side of me, the traveller me, the part of me that writes deep reflections on the world and on myself at night.
There are some parts of me that I think I have overcome thanks to therapy, and so they are simply no part of me anymore.
...But I don't think any more about certain things that I used to think about, in the way that those thoughts no longer come back and I can't even give an example of what they were! As if my mind is overwhelmed by work, by my professional commitments....nice, sure, but I can't think about certain things anymore.
Also, I don't feel a connection with nature: I used to travel all the time.
I don't know...
I like this new part of me and how I'm evolving, and I'm really happy and proud of myself. But, on the other hand, I feel a lack that I can't find back on my own, and maybe I should stimulate it in a suitable setting or practice... as it used to be to travel on an adventure or to live, for example, in Spain, which awakened certain aspects of me.
Living here, in a city where there is always everything, I naturally discover more and more new aspects of myself and I am growing in a certain sense because I am in this city now.
I like both lives, living here and the fact that I am developing myself in this environment full of everything and stimuli, but on the other hand I also miss what I was before, and where I was living before.
I feel a disconnection.
Now, just to say, that I am standing in front of a river and trees: if it had been a year ago, my thoughts would have wandered further, I would have had long conversations with myself and I would be feeling close to the world around me; but now it's like my mind can't get there any more... I try to reach there, I close my eyes, I smell the scents, I listen... but no deep thought comes to mind.
Now I can't even think, for example, if I would like to sleep with you. I don't even know if it's something I miss or not. I can't even think if I would like to have sex with others or not.
I can't get beyond certain thoughts, I miss them.
I don't know...
well I have to go now
see you later